"The Goat and the Jalapeño Patch"

as adapted, rewritten and retold by Joe Wos

There once was a young boy named Pedro who had a goat he loved very much. Now goats will eat just about anything, including tin cans, old socks and magazines. Pedro liked to keep the goat around the house – until it started eating most of what was around the house, until there wasn't much house left around! It ate anything and everything in its path!

Pedro liked to keep the goat around because every now and then he would use it as an excuse. You see, its favorite meal was homework – or so Pedro would tell his teacher. "I did my homework, Ms. Luisa, but my silly goat ate it!" Unfortunately, the teacher never seemed to fall for it.

Now Pedro's mother didn't like that goat one bit. It was eating them out of house and home. She told Pedro to cure his goat of its eating habits or neither one of them would ever eat dinner in that house again!

Pedro was perplexed.

"That's what goats do! They eat everything. Trying to cure a goat from eating is like trying to cure a bird from singing or a pig from getting dirty. It just can't be done!"

Whenever Pedro was faced with a problem, he always went to see the one man who knew everything, his grandfather.

Everybody called him Papa, even those who weren't his children or grandchildren. He was the most respected man in the village. It is said that even the animals called him Papa.

"What is troubling you Pedro?" Papa asked.

"Papa, Mother says I must cure my goat of its eating habits, but surely it is impossible!"

"Ah, nothing is impossible." Papa said.

"Yes, Papa, but surely to cure a goat of eating all it sees is like curing a bird of flying or a fish of swimming or …"

"I get the point, Pedro, but I do know a way to cure a goat of its eating habits.  Just listen to my advice and the goat will be cured. Take the goat to my jalapeño patch."

Papa had the hottest and most powerful jalapeños in the world. One year, the village had a particularly cold winter. A tiny drop of juice from one of Papa's jalapeños kept the entire village warm all winter long.

Pedro and Papa knew one nibble from that jalapeño patch would cure that goat forever! Pedro led the goat to the jalapeño patch. The goat bolted and ran into the middle of the patch. It stared at the thousands of plants and sniffed.

Papa and Pedro laughed.

The goat opened its mouth wide and took a bite. Then it took a bigger bite and a bigger bite. Why that crazy goat was eating up all of Papa's jalapeños!

"Oh no!" Papa cried. "My jalapeño patch! We have to get that goat out of there before it eats all my jalapeños!"

So Papa went in after the goat, but the goat just lowered its head and butted Papa right out of the jalapeño patch!

"Ay yi yi! My jalapeños! Someone must get that goat out!"

Pedro tried, but that old goat butted him out, too.

Well, Dog was watching from his doghouse and strolled over to see if he could lend a paw.

"Papa, you seem to have a problem. Maybe I can toss him out. After all, I am a strong dog!"

"Oh, Señor Dog, please try!"

Dog marched into the jalapeño patch. The goat got one look at him and fur went flying! Dog was butted out, too.

"Oh! Can no one help me?" Papa cried.

Coyote was watching from high on the hillside.

"Papa, perhaps I can help."

"Wise and wily Señor Coyote! Great trickster, surely you can trick him out."

"Papa, you have been approaching him all wrong," Coyote said. "You see, you have to sneak up on him."

Coyote snuck up behind the goat, but that goat heard the snap of a tiny twig, turned its head and butted Coyote skyward.

Well, Señor Horse let out a hearty laugh. "Such nonsense sending a dog and a coyote to do work that requires strength," he whinnied.

"Señor Horse, please will you help us? The goat is eating all of my jalapeños!" Papa cried.

Horse stomped into the patch and confronted the goat. "Now see here! Surely you're not going to butt out a strong horse like me. You might as well give it up now!"

But the goat backed up, got a good running start and – BAM! – sent that horse sailing out over the village!

"All is lost!" Papa cried. "No one can defeat this beast!"

 Then a tiny voice from a blade of grass made its way to Papa's ears.

"Papa, may I try?"

Pedro looked down and saw a tiny ant.

"Papa, do not listen," Pedro said. "It's just a little ant. How will a little ant defeat what a smart coyote and strong horse could not?"

"Not so fast, Pedro," Papa said. "We have tried all else. Señor Ant, you shall have your chance."

Ant crawled into the jalapeño patch. He was so small and so silent that the goat did not notice him He crawled up the goat's leg, and still the goat did not see him. He crawled up the goat's neck to the top of its head. Then Ant opened his mouth real wide and bit the goat right on its ear.

That goat howled and yelped and went running out of Papa's jalapeño patch! It was never so scared in all his life!

Ant not only got the goat out of the jalapeño patch, he cured it of its eating habits. In fact, that goat never ate another thing unless it was put on its plate. And it never went near Papa's jalapeño patch again, which is a good thing because Ant guards that patch to this very day.

The End